My Summer Slip-N-Slide Slip-Up

I had maybe the worst possible experience you could have with a Slip N’ Slide this last weekend.

We invited the whole extended family over for a weekend BBQ. Nothing too fancy, just some burgers and a potluck “bring a side to share” kind of event.

I set up the slide in the backyard for the kids, and left the hose running. They were adorable, diving in headfirst.

After I finished up at the grill, I noticed that the kids had moved on to some other activity. Not wanting to add any more to the month’s water bill than I was already paying, I went over to shut off the hose to the slide.

The summer heat was starting to get to me, though, and I decided that I’d take one run on the slide myself before shutting it off.

Fortunately, I was prepared - I had my swim trunks on. I tossed my shirt aside and started on a run towards what I was sure would be a cool, refreshing way to beat the heat.

That’s when the trouble started.

As I dove towards the slide entrance, I misjudged the distance, and the lip of the slide somehow managed to catch around the waistband of my swim trunks. Suddenly, I found myself hurtling down this bright yellow kids’ slide with my swim trunks around my ankles and my nether regions on full display for my ninety-something grandmother and her all her descendants.

I know. And, if you can believe it, this is not even the worst of it.

Looking ahead, I had less than a second to realize that the slide had become misaligned, and that about halfway down the water from the hose had started to run off the side and onto the lawn.

The other half, the one I was hurtling towards with all the grace of a balding, middle-aged hippopotamus, had been sun-baked until completely dry.

I’ll spare you most of the details, but I will say that until this moment, I really had never understood the true meaning of the word “chafing.”

As I’ve worked my way through my recovery process, I’ve come to appreciate how much even the simplest experiences are improved by the proper amount of slipperiness.

It’s had me thinking about how most folks don’t get to appreciate the joys of a slippery-smooth, fresh-from-the-dentist smile for more than a few days.

Toothbrushing is great and all, but you’ve probably noticed that the nasty fuzzy stuff starts to build up again after what seems like no time at all. Even the most diligent of brushers are going to struggle to keep their smiles fuzz-free.

That’s because trying to tackle mouth-mung with only your toothbrush is like trying to keep a Slip N’ Slide wet with a pinched hose - you’re making progress, but you’re never going to get the results you really want.

That’s why Epic Gum & Mints have been specially formulated with xylitol to take down those bacterial invaders bent on destroying your smile. Unlike your toothbrush, Epic Gum & Mints are there in the moment you need them most.

Epic Gum & Mints work to target and remove the cause of this nasty build-up before it starts. Your toothbrush, on the other hand, is only good for removing the gunk once it gets going.

We guarantee that in just two weeks on Epic’s patented system, you’ll have the slippery-smooth smile, fresh-from-the-dentist smile you’ve always craved, even if it’s been months since your last appointment.

One thing Epic Gum & Mints haven’t been able to do is prevent an embarrassing swimsuit malfunction. If you have any ideas on that front, please send them my way.

Embarassingly yours,

Anonymous